Falling Into the Stars

Over the past 20 months, you learnt first hand what it felt like to be rejected over and over again for being you. 

It may have started with that email that told you to leave the only home you knew, but it never really stopped there. 

Four months later, your brother took your mother aside and asked her, “Until when will she stay with us?” 

And you wished it stopped there, but it didn’t. 

A few months later, other relatives made it clear that you were no longer welcome in their home.

It doesn’t take a data analyst to notice; there seems to be a trend…a series of rejections that amplified the message that you were not important, not worthy, not enough. 

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It was eighth grade when you first understood this one phrase you used to read a lot about in books.  

A friend of yours embarrassed you by announcing who you had a crush on in front of the whole class. 

And you understood what it meant to “wish the Earth would open and swallow you whole.” 

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“How does it feel like? Being depressed?” 

It feels like this black tar covers your heart, suffocating everything to death. 

It feels like there is no hope that things would change, that you’re going to feel this pain inside you everyday for the rest of your life. 

It feels like you’re falling into this dark pit that you can’t get out of. 

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But things do change, and you start connecting the dots why you had to go through the darkness. 

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You discover that by carving out a space for your own, you had more freedom to build amazing relationships, create work of beauty, and simply just be you. 

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And that girl who in eighth grade embarrassed you is one of only two people you keep in constant touch with from high school. Over time, things changed and the two of you somehow became best friends. 

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The feeling of rejection or humiliation still hurts but you learn not to dwell over it. You give yourself 5 hours to get upset over it, and then you ask yourself, “What am I supposed to learn from this? How can I turn things around?” 

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And the darkness you used to feel like you were falling into…  It starts to feel like you’re falling into the stars.