A Collapsing Can and The Girl I Used To Be

An empty can dramatically collapses under atmospheric pressure when you suck all the air out.

It’s basic physics.

Recently, the image of a collapsing can has been playing in my mind to symbolize what it feels like to continuously run on empty; to not have anything inside to balance life’s outer stress.

In a previous post, I wrote about evaluating your life in 100 day increments. I ended my first 100 Day Evaluation for the year recently, and I was marveling at how I’m not the same girl I used to be a 100 days ago.

The good news is my wellbeing has been improving, and I thought I’d write this post to highlight the changes that made the biggest difference in hopes it would help someone:

Spend a lot of time alone

Those who know me are aware I’m no stranger to solitude. Every time I walk into my usual coffee shop, even the waiters know me enough to ask, “Table for one?”

But when I say ‘spend a lot of time alone,’ I mean spend time alone not doing anything – not reading, not writing, not working on your laptop.

Spend time alone with your thoughts.

In other words, meditate.

I have to admit the first few times I tried meditating, I was very uncomfortable. I was fidgety. I kept on peeking at the timer to see how many minutes were left.

“I’ve been at it for one minute only?”

Sitting still was painful.

More painful though was the gush of emotions and thoughts that started to rise to the surface.

Which is exactly the point.

The practice helps you achieve mental clarity by clearing away the clutter, but before the clutter’s gone you need to actually process it, which is something I discovered I avoided doing by default as a stuff-your-feelings-in-until-it-explodes kind of girl.

The best app I discovered for meditation is called Insight Timer. It has a huge library of different types of meditations with different teachers. The variety ensures you don’t get bored.

Prune your relationships

Researchers from the Harvard Study of Adult Development – one of the most comprehensive longitudinal studies ever conducted – have found that people who were more socially connected were happier and healthier (both physically and mentally). They also discovered that what was more important than the number of friends you have was the quality of your close relationships.

Which is why pruning your relationships is important.

The amount of time and energy available to us is limited and yet we keep on meeting new people so at some point you’ve got to be deliberate about the company that you keep.

Keep track of your accomplishments

Sometimes when you find yourself surrounded by toxic people who thrive on making you feel inadequate, it’s important to keep your reservoir of self-esteem filled and this tracking helps.

It reminds you of who you are, the challenges you’ve overcome, and what you’ve already accomplished. So when someone claims, “You’re not good enough,” you can take out your list and disagree.

Understand that people are very, very, very complex

I think this is the point that has brought me the most peace over the last three months. At some point, you discover that the adult world is nothing but a replication of kids on a playground.

People may treat you horribly not because they have a problem with you but because of their own insecurities and need for attention and validation. And because half the time they’re dealing with their own issues, at some point you’ve got to decide whether you care enough about them to tolerate them or not.

Be comfortable with uncertainty

There’s something about my need for control that used to make me so uncomfortable with plans changing, which is no way to live in a place like Kenya because unexpected things happen all the time.

Your car breaks down in the parking lot.

The power goes out for three days in a row.

The calendar you wake up with doesn’t usually reflect what happens during the day. I’ve learnt that’s not always a bad thing, because it’s what makes life interesting: opening yourself up to moments of serendipity.