“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
Oscar wilde
In a previous post, I wrote about how I put together a list of Core Desired Feelings, which I check against at the end of every day to see if I felt them.
At the top of that list is “State of Flow,” which as Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi writes in Flow is “the state in which people are so involved in an activity that nothing else seems to matter; the experience itself is so enjoyable that people will do it even at great cost, for the sheer sake of doing it.”
While getting into a state of flow is more common when you’re engaged in physical activity or pursuing a favorite hobby, only a lucky few get into flow at work.
But to live up to your full potential, you need to be self-aware enough to know what activities send you down a rabbit hole so the sense of time disappears. In his book, How to Live a Good Life, Jonathan Fields provides a framework that will help you think through what really sparks you so you can get into a state of flow:
- Curiosity sparks: that comes as a form of a burning question that just won’t let you go and you’re compelled to answer.
- Fascination sparks: In contrast to being driven by the pull of answering a question or solving a problem, fascination sparks happen when you’re exposed to a topic or an idea that triggers an intrinsic desire to learn. A person sparked by this loves to research on a topic for no other reason beyond the gratification that comes from learning more about it.
- Immersion sparks: Immersion sparks are activities that make you want to do more, regardless of the outcome and without any quest beyond the simple desire to enjoy what you’re doing – it’s the fascination with the process rather than the result.
- Mastery sparks: Closely related to the immersion sparks, mastery sparks are about working fiercely at something not only because you love to do it, but also because you want to achieve a high level of mastery.
- Service sparks: Service sparks are about serving or helping others.
Personally, everything I do that sends me down a rabbit hole obviously falls under fascination sparks because I am always driven by an intrinsic desire to learn and try out new things. If you think about it, this entire blog gives me a platform to share what I’ve learned in life.
Growing up as a third-culture kid (and yes, apparently people like us have a term), I’ve always struggled with the concept of home. That meant I always found it hard to feel a sense of belonging – anywhere.
Except inside a library or in between words.
I rarely write about what it was like to grow up a girl among boys in a Kenyan family of Yemeni origins. That’s because I was very privileged my experience was better than most girls’ in my community given that we grew up abroad. Also, sometimes I feel my parents didn’t really know what to do with a girl so they raised me with the same freedoms and responsibilities as my brothers.
That translated to my beating them in most avenues of life – I got my driver’s license first, traveled to more countries, lived independently for longer, and got more degrees than them.
I always tell my parents, “You’ve got to admit it…I’m the best son you ever got.”
Despite that, cultural ideas about the roles of women in society still permeated my life – intermittently, during the months I spent in the UAE, and incessantly, during the months I spent in Mombasa every year.
The phrases I used to hear were many.
There was, “Utasoma mpaka lini? Mwisho utaishia jikoni.”
Translation: Until when are you going to study? You’ll just end up in the kitchen.
First of all, I am all for everyone to end up in the kitchen because cooking is a life skill.
But that’s not the point they were trying to make.
Then there was that time when someone told me, “How are you an engineer? You have to be a boy to be an engineer.”
Ok, I’m an engineer. And I’m not a boy. So deal with it.
Another example was when a relative said, “A girl shouldn’t go for a degree higher than an undergrad because afterwards, she becomes too strong.”
He seriously said it like it was a bad thing.
But the one comment to beat them all was, “Those books won’t get you anywhere.”
Well, I beg to differ.
Let’s start with the passport I maxed out in 2016.
It’s easy to be bombarded by these messages and get discouraged, especially when you’re young. I have to admit I spent my early twenties battling feelings of depression, unworthiness and inadequacy because my life didn’t exactly fit the model of what society deemed a woman’s life should look like.
I still laugh at my journal pages from those years.
And I cry.
Because I feel sorry for that girl.
It took a long time for life to teach me to become more grounded, to be more accepting of the person that I am. I enjoyed the company of books more than that of people. I loved reading, learning new things and running experiments on myself.
It would be an understatement to say books changed my life.
Because books transformed it.
Back when I used to sleep on a bed, I would usually have a pile of books next to my pillow.
And sometimes I would turn, and the books would fall and hit the ground with a thud, waking me in the middle of the night.
I always think that’s an amazing metaphor; how words have the power to wake you up in the dark.
That’s it for today.