In the previous post, I wrote about how you never know how strong you are until being strong is your only option.
But you’re not always going to be strong.
There will be days when you’ll wake up with a lump in your throat, and tightness in your chest. Somehow you’re going to have to find a way to breathe and face the day.
That’s okay, because it’s all part of the human experience.
What you need from yourself on such days is a healthy dose of self-compassion.
In other words, be your own biggest fan.
It is easier for us to feel compassion for others rather than for ourselves. Growing up in a culture where you’re always expected to do more, and be more, there is usually a hyper-critical voice that runs like a news ticker at the bottom of your mind. Especially when you fall short of expectations.
In her book, Self-Compassion, Dr. Kristin Neff writes about the three main components of self-compassion; self-kindness, remembering that imperfection is part of being human, and mindfulness.
To have self-kindness is to treat yourself the way you would treat a friend. It means, be warm and supportive to yourself when faced with adversity. Tell yourself in a soothing manner, “It’s okay. I know this is hard for you right now, but it is only temporary. Things will get better.”
Often when something goes wrong in your life, it’s easy to feel isolated in the moment; to think that you’re the only one going through that especially when you scroll down other people’s Instagram feeds and see how perfect their lives seem to be. Yet it is common knowledge that social media feeds tend to capture mainly other people’s highlight reels. Framing your painful experiences by recognizing that you’re neither the first one nor the last one suffering alleviates that feeling because it activates a sense of belonging…belonging to the human race.
The third component is mindfulness, which refers to the nonjudgemental acceptance of the present moment. In order to heal, you need to accept what you feel. What often happens is people suppress their emotions, and then explode, when it would be more constructive to step back and objectively observe what’s happening. That’s why mindfulness becomes important, because it helps bring you back to the present moment, and perfectly mirrors what is happening without distortion.
I guess the overall message of the book was; always be there for yourself, especially when the world turns its back on you, which more often than not it would.
Also, another thing that I discovered works is; find your happy place, and mentally return to it when the going gets rough. I emphasize the term ‘yours’ in the previous sentence because it’s personal. It could be in front of Netflix with a tub of ice cream, or it could be on a sandy beach somewhere.
Remind yourself that life is beautiful if you go through it with all your heart.
Last but not least, you’ll come across people who behave in ways that might hurt you, intentionally or unintentionally. Most of the time, you’ll discover what they do has nothing to do with you. You’ll realize that deep within themselves, they carry a deeper well of pain that they can’t seem to resolve. Life teaches you that it takes only a certain type of person to dig deep into their heart, pull out moments of pain drenched in darkness, and transform them into something really beautiful. So wrap them in a shawl of empathy, and wish them well. But also, you’re under no obligation to engage with them if all they do is hurt you. You’re nobody’s hero but your own.
Everyday you get a choice about how you show up in the world, so how are you planning to show up today?
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